5 Ways to Fight That Are Actually Good for Your Relationship

Dear thomas, Did you know that fighting can actually be good for your relationship? Check out the article below and read what bestselling author Arielle Ford has to say about the rules of "healthy fighting." Regards, David Riklan Editor - Self Improvement Newsletter Founder - SelfGrowth.com ---------------------------------------- 5 Ways to Fight That Are Actually Good for Your Relationship By Arielle Ford - Bestselling love and relationship author and host of The Art of Love Relationship Series Discover how to have healthy fights that deepen love and strengthen connection, with these simple guidelines. What forty years of university research with thousands of couples has led world-renowned therapist Dr. John Gottman to conclude is that most couples have at least nine irreconcilable differences between them. If that's the norm, figuring out how to stop fighting isn't the goal. Discovering how to keep fighting in a way that strengthens your bond and brings you closer together is. Wouldn't it be great if conflict with your partner wasn't something you had to feel bad about - because you knew it could only make your relationship stronger? That's possible if you practice these simple steps: Ask vs. Telling - Whatever you do, don't start off by telling your partner, "We have to talk." Those four words can be threatening and may make your mate feel defensive before you even begin. Instead, in a kind and simple way say, "Let me know when you have twenty minutes to talk to me, I need your creative input on an issue I'm having." This way you and your partner can set aside time for a thoughtful and productive conversation - when neither of you is too tired, distracted or angry to fight fair. Choose A Good Spot - Once you have a day and time for your talk, find a location where you won't be interrupted by other people or technology. You might consider going for a walk in nature, as studies have shown strolling side by side vs. sitting face to face creates a friendly, safe environment. Thank your partner for making the time to be with you and express that your intention is to create a deeper and more meaningful connection between you. Let your partner know that their happiness is as important to you as your own. Begin (And End) With Honesty - Start with at least five acknowledgements of your partner. Really lavish them with your love and appreciation of all the ways in which they make a difference in your life. Set the stage for a loving conversation that will result in a creative solution to your problem. Then, state the issue at hand from a "feeling perspective." If you're nervous or afraid, let your partner know by saying "I'm feeling a little nervous (or scared) to share this with you." And then be more specific. For example, "At the party last week when you said ____________, I really felt ________________. I'm sure you didn't intend to do that but in the future would you be willing to ______________ instead?" Or, if your partner is chronically breaking a promise you might say, "When you promise to do _______ and then don't, it makes me feel _____________ which then reminds me of all the times when my dad broke his promises to me and then I feel ________________." By being honest, open and vulnerable about your feelings vs. listing everything your partner did wrong, you're more likely to be understood and well received. Ask For Change - During these talks you don't want to start off with one issue and then overload your partner with a zillion other things. Keep your focus to the topic at hand. Your partner may also decide to share something they're upset about. When your partner is speaking listen carefully and encourage full disclosure by asking, "Is there more?" Or, "What happened next?" To create meaningful change, relationship expert Alison Armstrong suggests using this "magic phrase" - "I would really love it if you would ______________." Don't Pick The Wrong Battle - When you're feeling angry or unhappy with your partner ask yourself, "How am I feeling and why?" Let's say your partner has repeatedly promised to do something but hasn't. Of course you would be upset because it's become a pattern of unacceptable behavior that needs addressing. However, if your partner's doing something that's just different from how you would do it, or how you would like it done, and it really doesn't affect your connection to each other, you might just want to learn to love their "quirky" ways and accept them for who they are. If we accept that disagreements are a normal and even healthy part of relationships, then we must recognize the importance of acquiring better relationship skills and learning the art of gracefully expressing our needs and desires. Suppressing hurt feelings only leads to anger and a lack of intimacy. But, by discovering how to create a safe and loving environment for "crucial conversations," we can create more loving, intimate and committed relationships -- even in the face of conflict. For More Fast-Working Tips for a Connected, Satisfying Relationship Watch This Short Video. Arielle Ford is a highly influential personality in the personal growth and contemporary spirituality movement. She is the author of eight books, including the international bestseller, The Soulmate Secret: Manifest the Love of Your Life with the Law of Attraction and Wabi Sabi Love: The Ancient Art of Finding Perfect Love in Imperfect Relationships. Arielle also hosts The Art of Love Relationship Series, an internationally acclaimed free online event where 50 of the world's top love and relationship experts come together to help hundreds of thousands of people create deep connection and lasting love.

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