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* Self Improvement and Personal Growth Weekly Newsletter *
Issue #789, Week of October 21-22, 2013
Publisher: David Riklan - http://www.SelfGrowth.com
In this issue:
-- Quotes of the Week
-- Recommended Resource of the Week
-- Article: Expert Q&A: Dating Again After a Major Break Up - Dr. LeslieBeth Wish
-- Article: Simplify Negotiations With The Six Rules Of Effective Communication - By John Patrick Dolan
-- Book Review: The Art of Negotiation: How to Improvise Agreement in a Chaotic World - By Michael Wheeler
-- Inspirational News Story of the Week
-- How to Subscribe and Unsubscribe from this Newsletter
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*** Quotes of the Week ***
------------------------------------------------------------ We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon--instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. - Dale Carnegie, 1888-1955 Fortune favors the brave. - Publius Terence, c. 190 BC-159 BC Doubt whom you will, but never yourself. - Christian Nestell Bovee, 1820-1904
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*** Recommended Resource of the Week ***
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* Use Cognitive Behavior Therapy to Build Your Confidence and Achieve Your Goals * Have you found that despite all your good intentions to achieve a goal such as losing weight or becoming more confident, you find yourself getting stuck? The chances are unhealthy thoughts, feelings and behaviors may have slipped in. In Confidence and Success with CBT, Avy Joseph and Maggie Chapman teach you how to overcome this using cognitive behavior therapy. You get to identify negative patterns and replace them with healthier mindsets. By developing healthy attitudes as well, you get to improve your everyday life and take daily steps to help you achieve your goals. Buy your copy today from your favorite bookstore! |  |
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*** Article: Expert Q&A: Dating Again After a Major Break Up - Dr. LeslieBeth Wish ***
------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How long should I wait before dating again after my divorce? A: Most of us have heard this advice about looking for love after you've just ended a marriage or intimate partnership: "Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire." In other words, to avoid re-bound love, take time off from dating and mating. The big unanswered questions are: How much time do I take off? And what am I supposed to do with my time if I'm not dating? In general, major life events such as trauma and loss, including relationship break ups, do require healing time. Many cultures, for example, advise the widowed to wait a year before remarrying. The psychological foundation of this suggestion is that the brain, body, and emotions need the time to readjust, mourn, reflect, and learn. There are no firm rules, and many of my widowed or divorced clients begin to forge new intimate relationships after about six months. In fact, widowers tend to fall in love, remarry, or move in with a new partner before or shortly after the first year anniversary. There is an old saying about widowed men regarding relationships: "They don't necessarily fall in love, but they do replace (the deceased wife with the new one)." Similarly, it has been said that widowed women who had good marriages are slower to fall in love again. The reasoning is that they know what a good marriage requires and are therefore wiser, slower, and more discerning about choosing a new man. But what if you are divorced or recently split from an important intimate relationship? Should you wait at least six months? Naturally, every situation is different. Perhaps you are ageing or your biological clock is ticking. Or, your financial situation is dire. Or, as for one of my clients, she sped up her dating after her divorce because she felt compelled to make a healthy match before her mother died. There may be few rules, but there sure is good old common sense. Here are some things to think about. 1. Aim for a longer time frame before you seek love.
Six months to a year is a good range. Yet, keep it in your mind as a loud reminder and not a rule. I had one client who reconnected by accident with his childhood girlfriend within four months. She was widowed, too. They felt comfortable with each other, knew each other's families and values. I wish I truly could give you the perfect amount of time to wait, but life planning can be both easy and complicated. 2. Use your time to examine yourself in depth psychologically.
It's not all about time. Arguably, the most important factor that increases your chances of making a wise relationship choice is withstanding a long, detailed, honest--and, oh yes, emotionally painful--self-reckoning. You don't want to risk repeating the same kind of relationship mistake again-which we all risk doing. Here are some questions to ask yourself: -What am I angry about?
-What are my fears? What makes me feel insecure?
-What would I do over?
-How have I contributed to what went wrong?
-What attracted to me this person? -Why did I get married when I did? Was I in the midst of a bad experience? Getting older? Feeling especially lonely?
-How did I act in my relationship in a way that is similar to how I acted and reacted to one of my parents?
-How did my relationship resemble in unhealthy ways my parents' relationship? 3. Don't overcorrect your mistake.
Even if you have toughed out a serious self-examination, you still might be vulnerable to overcorrecting the mistakes of your previous relationship. For example, when wealthy Frank divorced Francine Elizabeth Horton of the distinguished Horton dynasty in town, he vowed he would not choose a woman whose main activity in life was shopping. When he married Annie, who came from a lower socio-economic background, Frank thought that she would be appreciative of the lifestyle he could offer her. But Annie accustomed herself quite well to diamonds and designer clothes, and most of their arguments were about money. Frank felt as though he had married one more gold-digger. In another client's situation, when Joyce divorced nice but limited James, she promised herself that she would marry a man with ambition and a larger playing field. In her marriage to James, she hated that she ended up bossing and criticizing him and not feeling that he was pulling his weight. She was a very successful investor with a major company and she carried the relationship financially. When she met George, she thought she had found her match. He was a player on Wall Street and many other investors sought his advice. They married within four months of her divorce. Joyce was in a hurry because she was almost forty and wanted a child. George certainly did turn out to be a player--and an abusing, disrespecting, dismissive, and critical husband as well. The tables had turned, and Joyce found herself on the other end of the same kind of relationship she had in her marriage. 4. Date casually.
Hang out in groups or go out for brunch or other time-limited daylight events such as an outdoor concert or tasting festival. Avoid those big dates--you know the kind--the ones where you try to impress the other person with tickets to the next big thing. And, of course, don't let yourself be seduced by people just because they have boats, big homes, or fancy cars. Be yourself--your usual self. You know--the one who hangs around the house in your favorite clothes and eats chips out of the bag. Date lots of people and see what you can learn about yourself. 5. No sex.
Yes, you heard right. Keep your wits about you. No sex without mutual love. And, yes, men want to fall in love just as much as women do. Take your time to get to know each other. Once sex enters the picture, your powers of clear-headedness go down the drain. Copyright © 2013 QualityHealth.com. All rights reserved.
** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, Ed.D, MSS, MA, is the SelfGrowth.com Official Guide to Family, a nationally recognized psychologist and licensed clinical social worker, specializing in women's issues in love, life, work, and family. Sign up on her website, http://www.selfgrowth.com/solos/lbwish.html to receive free advice, blog, cartoon, and information about her two upcoming research-based, self-help books for women: The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie-a cartoon, self-help book and Smart Relationships. You can follow Dr. Wish on Twitter.
* Use Cognitive Behavior Therapy to Build Your Confidence and Achieve Your Goals * Have you found that despite all your good intentions to achieve a goal such as losing weight or becoming more confident, you find yourself getting stuck? The chances are unhealthy thoughts, feelings and behaviors may have slipped in. In Confidence and Success with CBT, Avy Joseph and Maggie Chapman teach you how to overcome this using cognitive behavior therapy. You get to identify negative patterns and replace them with healthier mindsets. By developing healthy attitudes as well, you get to improve your everyday life and take daily steps to help you achieve your goals. Buy your copy today from your favorite bookstore! | | ------------------------------------------------------------
*** Article: Simplify Negotiations With The Six Rules Of Effective Communication - By John Patrick Dolan ***
------------------------------------------------------------ To negotiate effectively, you must be able to communicate effectively. Unfortunately, most salespeople and businesspeople don't realize the importance of solid communication skills to the negotiation process. As a result, they lose sales or don't get the best possible deal.
However, as a salesperson, you are not doomed to the mixed messages and meanings characteristic of poor communication skills. With a conscious effort, all business and sales professionals can overcome the communication barriers that block understanding in negotiation. With a little extra effort, you can improve the delivery of your message to your counterparts and work together toward a mutually beneficial agreement. Use the following six rules for effective communication to connect with others at the negotiating table and in all forms of communication: Rule 1: Organize Your Thoughts
Throughout the negotiation process, always allow yourself time to organize your thoughts to avoid conveying the wrong message or confusing the issues. Before you start the negotiation process, and even after it starts, take notes and plan what you're going to say. To help you express your thoughts clearly when the negotiations begin, outline in advance the main points you want to cover. Planning the gist of what you're going to say is the most effective way to avoid sending mixed messages, but don't stop with that. As the negotiations commence, continue to take notes and plan your responses as you go through the entire process. And remember, no law exists that says every statement must be met with a response within five seconds. Take your time. In fact, silence can be one of your most powerful negotiating tools. Stop talking whenever you feel like you need to reorganize yourself and before you respond to anything that's said. And make sure everything you say reflects the true meaning of your thoughts. This tactic not only helps you organize what you're going to say, but it also helps you digest what your counterpart proposes. Rule 2: Don't Think About It; Think Through It
Thinking about something leads to confusion, but thinking through something leads to clarity. The difference between these two processes is a crucial distinction in communication. Many times, people approach negotiations with a mindset of, "Tell it like it is, then let the chips fall where they may." But by processing an idea through to its logical conclusion, you can evaluate the possible responses you may get from the other side. For example, if you make an offer and say, "Take it or leave it," what kind of response would that produce? The other party may say, "Okay, we'll take it." They could say, "Thanks, but no thanks." They could say, "We won't take it, but here's what we will accept." Or they might say, "No one talks to us that way!" and walk out of the room. A range of possibilities exists, and this tactic requires careful reading of the other person's reactions. But if you feel from your experiences with the person that they will either accept your offer or your counteroffer, it makes sense to speculate and take the chance. So give some thought to your counterpart's possible reactions to your points before you actually make them. Rule 3: Recognize that Actions Speak Louder than Words
Experts say that seventy-five percent of communication is nonverbal. This means that the messages negotiators convey have more to do with their looks, their actions, and the way they say things, than with the actual words they say. The best negotiators practice saying and doing things in ways that send precisely the message they want to send. The bottom line is that the better you become at using nonverbal communication and reading the nonverbal messages others send, the more effective you can be as a negotiator. Realize that everything you do at the bargaining table is part of the communication and negotiation process. So make sure you don't send the wrong messages by doing something that conflicts with what you want to say. Rule 4: Be Concise
Most people tune out a majority of what they hear, so you should always be concise and get right to your point. Say what you mean in as few words as possible, without being blunt. If you drone on, people will stop listening to you. To ensure your message reaches your counterpart, always oversimplify your message, and then elaborate as they ask questions. Repeat your main point several times to emphasize what's most important. To boost your negotiating power even more, practice saying everything clearly and concisely, then repeat your key points to yourself again and again. One main problem with negotiation communication occurs when your counterpart gets too wrapped up in what they want to say, that they don't pay attention to what you say. This is why it is so important to organize your thoughts, and say your main points in a concise, compelling way. Rule 5: Always Translate Your Message into Benefits for the Other Party
People always listen more carefully when they believe some benefit exists in your message for them. In negotiations, focus on that benefit, even when the underlying purpose of the message is in your favor. For example, when you interview for a new job, you don't talk about the huge salary the company can offer you. You talk about all the great skills you can bring to the company, for their benefit. You try to convince them that they'll be ahead of everyone else by hiring you, regardless of the cost. As a salesperson, you should always highlight the value of your product or service, rather than the cost. Always talk in terms of what benefits the other party receives as a result of the negotiation terms. Rule 6: Listen Carefully to the Other Party
If you want to reach a mutually beneficial agreement, you must make sure your message are heard and understood. But don't get so caught up in your own message that you don't hear and understand what the other party needs to reach an agreement. Use the following tips for listening more effectively: Open your mind and be receptive to the other party's message.
Make a commitment to listen, and follow through with this commitment as soon as they start to talk.
Listen for feelings, as well as facts, and consider the other party's concerns.
Eliminate distractions. Close your door, turn of the radio, and tune in to the other person.
Respond to the other party with questions that stimulate conversation and clarify your understanding of his or her message.
Take notes on the important points the other party makes, and keep these points in mind as you formulate your responses.
As you improve your listening skills, you increase your negotiating effectiveness by collecting more information to use in your search for solutions. Communication is the Key to Effective Negotiation Communication is a two-way street that requires everyone involved to exchange messages. To negotiate more effectively, you must relate to the other party with strong communication skills. By using these six rules for effective communications, you can overcome barriers, reach a higher level of satisfaction every time you negotiate, and win more sales in the process. ** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
John Patrick Dolan, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist Criminal Law, CSP, CPAE is a recognized expert in the field of negotiation. He travels throughout the world presenting lively keynote speeches and in-depth training programs for business and legal professionals. Call 1-888-830-2620 for more information.
* Use Cognitive Behavior Therapy to Build Your Confidence and Achieve Your Goals * Have you found that despite all your good intentions to achieve a goal such as losing weight or becoming more confident, you find yourself getting stuck? The chances are unhealthy thoughts, feelings and behaviors may have slipped in. In Confidence and Success with CBT, Avy Joseph and Maggie Chapman teach you how to overcome this using cognitive behavior therapy. You get to identify negative patterns and replace them with healthier mindsets. By developing healthy attitudes as well, you get to improve your everyday life and take daily steps to help you achieve your goals. Buy your copy today from your favorite bookstore! | | ------------------------------------------------------------
*** Book Review: The Art of Negotiation: How to Improvise Agreement in a Chaotic World - By Michael Wheeler ***
------------------------------------------------------------ A member of the world-renowned Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School introduces the powerful next-generation approach to negotiation.
For many years, two approaches to negotiation have prevailed: the "win-win" method exemplified in Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton; and the hard-bargaining style of Herb Cohen's You Can Negotiate Anything. Now award-winning Harvard Business School professor Michael Wheeler provides a dynamic alternative to one-size-fits-all strategies that don't match real world realities.
The Art of Negotiation shows how master negotiators thrive in the face of chaos and uncertainty. They don't trap themselves with rigid plans. Instead they understand negotiation as a process of exploration that demands ongoing learning, adapting, and influencing. Their agility enables them to reach agreement when others would be stalemated.
Michael Wheeler illuminates the improvisational nature of negotiation, drawing on his own research and his work with Program on Negotiation colleagues. He explains how the best practices of diplomats such as George J. Mitchell, dealmaker Bruce Wasserstein, and Hollywood producer Jerry Weintraub apply to everyday transactions like selling a house, buying a car, or landing a new contract. Wheeler also draws lessons on agility and creativity from fields like jazz, sports, theater, and even military science.
*****
The list price of this book is $26.00. To purchase it from Amazon.com at a price of $16.04, a 38% discount, go here.
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*** Inspirational News Story of the Week ***
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* A School Driven by Phys Ed *
When Jai Nanda first told people he wanted to start a school based around sports and physical activity, the reaction, he says, was, "You're crazy. What are you doing? Why would you do that?" Go here for the complete news story. | 
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