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* Self Improvement and Personal Growth Weekly Newsletter *
Issue #782, Week of September 3-4, 2013
Publisher: David Riklan - http://www.SelfGrowth.com
In this issue:
-- Quotes of the Week
-- Recommended Resource of the Week
-- Article: Are You Addicted? 6 Simple Signs that Say, "I am Addicted." - By Sandra Lenington
-- Article: Powerful Communication: Apology Do's and Don'ts - By Julie Donley
-- Book Review: What is Your WHAT: Discover the One Amazing Thing You Were Born to Do - By Steve Olsher
-- Inspirational News Story of the Week
-- How to Subscribe and Unsubscribe from this Newsletter
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*** Quotes of the Week ***
------------------------------------------------------------ Purpose is what gives life a meaning. - Charles Henry Parkhurst, 1842-1933 The great lesson is that the sacred is in the ordinary, that it is to be found in one's daily life, in one's neighbors, friends and family, in one's backyard. - Abraham Maslow, 1908-1970 Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-1882
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*** Recommended Resource of the Week ***
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*** Article: Are You Addicted? 6 Simple Signs that Say, "I am Addicted." - By Sandra Lenington ***
------------------------------------------------------------ Listed below "the six sure signs of addiction" are the "official" diagnosis criteria for addiction that appear in the DSM. I LOVE playing with words and letters, so I like to call them the six C's: The signs are the same whether it is food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex or ___________! 1. Craving: Craving is an intense desire for a specific substance or behavior. There can be the sense that I NEED this specific food, or this specific drug in order to make my life manageable or to make me feel better. Examples could be a cigarette, cocaine, pot, gambling, chocolate, sex, or shopping. "I just need a drink to take the edge off," might be one example of the thinking that accompanies craving. 2. Compulsion: Compulsion is a mental obsession. A compulsion manifests when my thinking about an activity or substance occupies more and more of the day. I can recognize a compulsion by the amount of time I spend planning when, how, where and with whom I can get my next fix. In the end, the habit takes over more and more of my thinking and my life. I arrange all of my activities around the substance or the behavior. 3. Control: Controlling the amount of the substance or behavior becomes more and more difficult. It requires more and more of the substance or behavior to give me the same "high" or relief. When I start drinking or eating sugar, for example, I cannot know when I will stop. I may eat a whole box of cookies or I may drink vodka until I pass out. 4. Continuing to use: I continue to use the substance or the behavior in spite of worsening consequences. For example, I may have a report I need to give at school or a presentation at work for an important client. In spite of the importance and my desire to do well, I show up drunk and barely able to stand up (or, pass out during the event. In the realm of food, I continue to eat sugar and overeat in spite of the consequences of increased weight, diabetes or joint pain. 5. Concealing: One of the most common signs of addiction is the need to hide the amount I am consuming of the substance or hiding the fact that I am engaged in the activity. For example, I find it necessary to hide the amount of food I am eating, or I have a secret stash of food, or alcohol hidden in the garage. I also may find it necessary to lie about my whereabouts if a sexual encounter is involved. Many alcoholics hide their liquor in coffee cups or vodka in their water bottles. 6. Contempt: There's a sense of shame involved with addiction the cycle goes like this: I swear I'm not going to use/drink/overeat today. Things are going well. Pretty soon I get overwhelmed at work or a relationship is bothering me or thought and I began to crave the drink/drug/food. At some point I give in. I can't control when I stopped or when I will quit. When I wake up the next morning I say, "Oh my gosh! What is wrong with me? I did it again!" Now that I have shared my 6 sure signs, here is the official diagnosis of abuse and addiction: According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, substance use is considered abusive or addictive if the person has experienced three or more of the following signs during a 12-month period: 1. Tolerance is evident when (1) a need exists for increased amounts of a substance to achieve intoxication or desired effects or (2) the effect of a substance is diminished with continued use of the same amount of the substance. 2. Withdrawal is evident when (1) characteristic, uncomfortable symptoms occur with abstinence from the particular substance or (2) taking the same (or closely related) substance relieves or avoids the withdrawal symptoms. 3. The substance is used in greater quantities or for longer periods than intended. 4. The person has a persistent desire to cut down on use of the substance, or the person's efforts to cut down on use of the substance have failed. 5. Considerable time and effort are spent obtaining or using the substance or recovering from its effects. 6. Important social, employment, and recreational activities are given up or reduced because of an intense preoccupation with substance use. 7. Substance use is continued even though some other persistent physical or psychological problem is likely to have been caused or worsened by the substance (for example, an ulcer made worse by alcohol consumption or emphysema caused by smoking). Drug abuse can occur with or without tolerance or withdrawal. Tolerance and withdrawal indicate physical dependence. A key issue in evaluating addiction is if a person is unable to stop using the harmful substance (loss of control). Often people who are addicted to a drug do not have insight into their inability to stop drug use and falsely believe they could stop if they "wanted to." This is called denial. No single event or criterion is indicative of an addictive disorder; drug use becomes addiction (drug abuse) only after a pattern of behavior that takes place over time.
** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Sandra Lenington, MA, the SelfGrowth.com Official Guide to 12 Step Programs, is an authority on the psychology of recovery with a purpose of assisting others to experience the psychic change that is sufficient to assure a life of irresistible joy and balance. As a life-long learner and lover of new and fun techniques, she insists that recovery be joyful...otherwise, why do it? The bottom line? If it doesn't work, try something else! She also trains other coaches and previously has worked as a physical therapist as well as having owned several companies that develop websites; she has worked for NASA as a research engineer.
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*** Article: Powerful Communication: Apology Do's and Don'ts - By Julie Donley ***
------------------------------------------------------------ Do you apologize for anything and everything?
Do you apologize for things that are completely out of your control?
How about apologizing for other people's behavior?
Do you tend to apologize just to see if the other person will apologize? An apology can be a very cathartic act. It can mend fences and build bridges. It is an act of a true leader when you are able to admit a wrong or mistake. An apology done well is powerful. For this reason, making an apology should be taken very seriously. When they are thrown around without much thought, they lose their potency. An empty apology does not serve you but rather can diminish the respect others have for you. Why do we struggle so much with apologies? 1) Some people don't ever want to admit they are wrong. This relates to their self-esteem, although they might not admit it. Human beings are of greatest value. When a person cannot accept their value, they seek something external to give them the validation they need. Often people's value is attached to their ideas. To the person whose self-esteem is attached to their ideas, admitting you are wrong means that YOU are wrong and you cannot NOT have value.
2) Other people don't want to be seen as weak. They don't want to make a mistake. They seek perfection. To admit fault is to admit failure, in their perspective. They value appearances over truth and humility.
3) And others apologize for everything. Guilt, shame, needing to be liked or needed, or fear of confrontation or conflict causes them to accept responsibility for everything. Their fear is in charge and they are at Fear's mercy. How well do you do with apologizing? Here are some dos and don'ts for making an apology: DO listen to the other person's feelings. If they are hurting, acknowledge their pain. DON'T accept responsibility for their pain. It's not yours; it's theirs. If you did or said something inappropriate and that resulted in their pain, then yes.
DO apologize for anything YOU DO that might directly have caused their pain. Be careful how you language your apology though. Accepting responsibility is crucial to determine whether an apology applies and is necessary.
DO accept responsibility for your words and actions. If they result in harm or if you are wrong, then DO apologize. DON'T apology out of guilt. If you carry a lot of guilt with you or if guilt tends to drive your behaviors, then challenge the guilt feeling. Is it true? Or is it that this person does not wish to accept their responsibility in the situation? The guilt is yours but it is just an emotion. Identify the anger underneath to determine if the problem is yours or theirs. Take the assessment on my website to identify specifically the thought processes leading to your guilt. From there, you can learn to take charge rather than being at the mercy of these guilt feelings. DON'T accept responsibility for things over which you have no control. "I am so sorry for the foot of snow we got that slowed down traffic." Really? You have that much power you can control the weather? Please, just apologize for being late. DON'T explain away the apology. When you explain yourself it diminishes the potency of the apology. And, in some cases, it reverses it. "I am so sorry I am late but you see, the traffic was a mess and my kids were unruly and I couldn't get..." What happens is that you water-down your apology. Your excuses tell the other person that you are not really at fault. These outside factors were the real cause for your behavior. You are perceived as being out of control. DO apologize for your behavior or the result of your behavior. "I apologize for missing the deadline." Say no more. This means, you may have to listen to others complain about the results of your actions. They have every right to their thoughts and feelings about your behavior. Let them vent. DON'T let them go on and on. And DON'T let them chastise you. It is never acceptable to be put down or otherwise belittled or abused. You may have to set a boundary and tell them that it's enough. You can move the conversation along by changing the subject or if you have to, then leave. DON'T keep apologizing! Say it once. Make sure it is heard and then let it go. It is up to the other person to receive your apology. You have no control over what they do with your apology.
Will you get in trouble because you missed the deadline or didn't finish your work? You may. Next time, meet the deadline. DO understand if the other person is unwilling to forgive. They do not have to. And they will have to live with that. You have done your part by saying what needs to be said and "clearing the space". And while you may feel badly that the other person cannot find forgiveness at this time, you can only do what you can do which is to accept responsibility for you. They are responsible for themselves. DON'T apologize simply to get the other personal to apologize. They may accept responsibility for their part; they may not. You do not have control over that. As a leader, be the role model and be understanding. They may not be ready to accept responsibility for their flaws. It's a big step in personal development, one that many people are just not ready for. Their self-esteem may be too fragile. And, we've all been there at some point in our lives. DON'T accept responsibility for other people's poor behavior and words. This is a huge source of stress! When you accept responsibility for other people, you do not allow them to feel the pain of their own actions and receive the consequences. You, however, will become angry and resentful. DO put responsibility where it belongs. Oh, and one more thing, listen to your voice mail message. If you apologize for being unable to answer the phone, change it. Instead say that you are out having a great time and you'll return the call when you can. DON'T be sorry that you missed the call. Be happy that you have a life away from the phone! ** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Does Change have to be so H.A.R.D.? Julie Donley, a psychiatric nurse and author of this essential book on change, was tired of life being SO hard and went in search of an easier way. What she found was quite intriguing: "Hard or easy, it's how you think about it!" Want to learn more? Contact Julie@NurturingYourSuccess.com to arrange a free 30-minute coaching session to learn how you too can change a HARD challenge to something EASY. An addiction and change expert, Julie is named one of the top 100 thought leaders in her field. She has published hundreds of articles and is author of several works including Does Change have to be so H.A.R.D.? and The Journey Called YOU: A Roadmap to Self-Discovery and Acceptance.
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*** Book Review: What is Your WHAT: Discover the One Amazing Thing You Were Born to Do - By Steve Olsher ***
------------------------------------------------------------ Are you ready to discover your WHAT--that is, the 1 amazing thing you were born to do? Would you like to powerfully impact both those who share this lifetime with you and those of lifetimes to come? In What Is Your WHAT? author Steve Olsher reveals his proven process that has helped thousands answer YES to these life-changing questions and cultivate a life of purpose, conviction, and contribution by identifying and creating a plan of action for bringing the 1 thing they were born to do to fruition. It is a timely, step-by-step guide that will guide you towards making both a fortune and a difference sharing your unique gift with the world. - Features inspiring stories of trial, tribulation, and triumph, as well as examples of 17 public figures, such as Guy Kawasaki, Chris Brogan, and Jack Canfield who have made the critical shift from pursuing commodity-driven opportunities to honoring their singular blueprint
- Author Steve Olsher is a 25+ year entrepreneur, creator/founder of The Reinvention Workshop, and award-winning author of Internet Prophets: The World's Leading Experts Reveal How to Profit Online
Steve's singular approach to realizing permanent, positive change blends proprietary methods with ancient wisdom and revolutionary lessons from modern thought leaders. Leverage this proven system to discover your WHAT and realize ultimate achievement in business and life.
*****
The list price of this book is $24.00. To purchase it from Amazon.com at a price of $17.61, a 27% discount, go here.
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*** Inspirational News Story of the Week ***
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* Boys Who Like Pink Have Their Own Camp *
A boy who enjoys wearing dresses can express himself freely at "You Are You," a camp for non-gender conforming boys and their parents. Go here for the complete news story. | 
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