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* Self Improvement and Personal Growth Weekly Newsletter *
Issue #781, Week of August 26-27, 2013
Publisher: David Riklan - http://www.SelfGrowth.com
In this issue:
-- Quotes of the Week
-- Recommended Resource of the Week
-- Article: The Process of Overcoming Adultery and Infidelity - By Gregory Smith
-- Article: 10 Solutions for Healing Anger Problems - By Telka Arend-Ritter
-- Book Review: Choose Yourself! - By James Altucher
-- Inspirational News Story of the Week
-- How to Subscribe and Unsubscribe from this Newsletter
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*** Quotes of the Week ***
------------------------------------------------------------ Character is the real foundation of all worthwhile success. - John Hays Hammond, 1855-1936 Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in. - Andrew Jackson, 1767-1845 Nothing endures but change. - Heraclitus, 535 BC-475 BC
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*** Recommended Resource of the Week ***
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*** Article: The Process of Overcoming Adultery and Infidelity - By Gregory Smith ***
------------------------------------------------------------ Coming to terms with adultery or infidelity, understanding how it happened, and taking the necessary steps to recover is not easy -- especially when your emotional pain is fresh, and your wounds are so deep. It hurts ... and it's sickening to think that the person you've loved so much would do this to you. However, there is hope ... because you can fully recover and find happiness again, by going through a time-proven process which will put the pain, and the heartache into your past ... and better position you in the future for a better relationship, one without fear of adultery nor infidelity. The first step in the recovery process is knowing with certainty that you have, in fact, been the victim of infidelity. That may sound dumb -- but I've worked with hundreds of people who basically have jumped to a conclusion without having anything substantial to prove that they were cheated on. There are actually different forms of proof -- each of which is fairly long and detailed to go through, but briefly the types of proof can be eyewitness, circumstantial, and/or solid proof. Whatever proof you have, it should ideally be convincing and irrefutable. Sometimes affairs are "mental", and not physical -- do those types of affairs really count? The second step in a recovery from infidelity process involves you (the victim) understanding WHY this infidelity occurred. Infidelity never happens in a vacuum -- there are always multiple reasons for it ... and you really have to go through a process to understand each of the reasons, otherwise you may very well find yourself in a similar situation again in the future. There are CONTRIBUTING FACTORS which could include absence of quality sex, choosing the wrong partner, failure to avoid risky situations and scenarios. There are also PARTNER ISSUES that alone or in concert can produce an infidelity -- such as midlife crisis, a sexual addiction, a sense of entitlement, etc. AND -- there can be yet additional CAUSES OF AFFAIRS ... such as situational affairs, exploratory affairs, and deliberate affairs. Each of these contributing factors, partner issues, and causes of affairs is extremely complicated ... I'm really just introducing the ideas about them to you here. The third step in an infidelity recover process involves ACCEPTANCE on the part of the victim of ten different "truths" that I've discovered are necessary in order to move yourself forward. Probably the most important such truth to always keep in mind is KNOW THAT BETTER DAYS ARE AHEAD OF YOU. No -- it won't seem like it right now, or even for a while ... but I guarantee you that things are getting better for you each and every day. Better days are ahead of you -- and knowing that with absolute certainty is comforting. Another "truth" that you should always keep in mind is -- YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE'S FEELINGS ... and that means no matter how hard you may want your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend to come to their senses, and come back to you, it just cannot happen ... because you are only in charge of yourself. This truth is often hard to keep in mind -- especially if you've been with someone for many, many years ... you think you know that person, and maybe you did ... but everything has changed now, and the sooner you ACCEPT this new reality, the sooner you will be able to move forward with your life. Two of the ten TRUTHS you must accept and recognize have only been introduced here -- there are actually eight more such truths which you should be aware of, too. All of these truths plus much more detail on everything can be found in my book, which you can learn about at the end of this article. The final step in recovering from infidelity involves taking a number of deliberate ACTIONS which together will result in a best possible outcome for you. Some of these actions are appropriate for married couples who are divorcing, while others apply to both married couples and also to boyfriend/girlfriend couples who have had an infidelity take place. The first of two such actions I will tell you about are extremely important -- HOPE FOR THE BEST, PREPARE FOR THE WORST. This means keep yourself as optimistic as possible, but always anticipate worst-case and plan for it accordingly. You never want to be caught off-guard by your ex ... who has already deeply wronged you once. Remember the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you ... fool me twice, shame on me."? Well, this ACTION is a reminder to you not to get fooled a second time! No matter what "it" is, always be ready for the unexpected, and have a mental plan in place to deal with it before it happens. I realize what I'm telling you is very broad -- but it is true, and it is so important! The second ACTION to take immediately is related -- FOCUS ON MAKING ONE DECISION AT A TIME. That may sound overly simple, but many people who have been the victim of infidelity simply freeze ... like a deer in the headlights. The best thing you can do is make a list of decisions you need to make, write them down, and start executing them one by one ... maybe one each week, or every two weeks ... so that everything that needs to get done DOES GET DONE. Happiness is on the horizon -- it is one hundred percent doable and possible ... even though today you might feel otherwise. You can and will love someone again. You can and will enjoy your life, and appreciate who you are with -- but you should ideally first go through the entire recovery process that I take you through in my e-book entitled, "How to Successfully Recover from Having Been Cheated On" ... which you can purchase via my website at http://www.selfgrowth.com/solos/gregorysmith.html. If you go through my entire recommended process, you are far more likely to be able to avoid some of the mistakes, behaviors, and partners that got you into your situation today. Learn from the past, deal with the present, and enhance your future -- that's what my infidelity recovery process is all about.
** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Gregory Smith, the SelfGrowth.com Official Guide to Overcoming Adultery and Infidelity, is the Founder of been-cheated-on.com, and midlifebachelor.com. His new e-book, How to Recover from Having Been Cheated On, is the product of over seven years of research and practical guidance given to individuals who have been victims of infidelity, or cheating in relationships. See http://www.selfgrowth.com/solos/gregorysmith.html for more details - and to move forward with your life today.
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*** Article: 10 Solutions for Healing Anger Problems - By Telka Arend-Ritter ***
------------------------------------------------------------ "People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing." Will Rogers Try these 10 solutions whenever anger starts to cause problems in your relationships or your life. 1. Practice mindfulness.
Become a witness to your anger emotions without judgment. Anger need not be harmful. You may identify and experience anger without choosing destructive behavior. YOU CHOOSE YOUR RESPONSE. Choose dignity. Spend time each day mindful of your decision not to cause harm with your anger. Learn from your success. You can control yourself. Continue to notice your improvements. Example A: When I arrived home from work and found my apartment in a mess, instead of my usual blaming, shaming and yelling, I decided to take a shower, cool off and then think about why I was feeling so angry. Example B: Rather then becoming defensive or angry when my partner criticized me, I remembered to breathe and to listen without reacting emotionally. I took the time to calm myself down. Then I was able to address the criticism constructively by problem-solving. I treated my partner as I wish to be treated. 2. Create a safe house.
Establish rules prohibiting emotional, verbal and physical abuse in your home. Refuse to allow harm through words or actions. Discuss the safe house rules with all who frequent your home. Post these rules on your refrigerator as a daily reminder.
"Anger is one letter short of danger" Author Unknown Compose your own safe house contract. Ask members of your household to help. Include everyone's signature in agreement with the safe house rules. Example: Only loving hands, kind words and helpful actions are welcomed in this home. No yelling, cussing, name-calling or disrespect allowed. There will be no pushing, slapping, shoving or hitting. We will treat others as we wish to be treated. We will speak only as we wish to be spoken to. This home is a loving, nurturing, safe haven to all who live and visit here.
Signed: Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie, & Brian Griffin 3. Stop blaming.
If you were not busy blaming others, what "right action" would you be taking? You may not choose everything that happens to you, but you may choose your response to what happens to you. Example: I used to blame the traffic when I was late. Once I took responsibility for my time management, I stopped blaming my tardiness on traffic. I decided to problem-solve. Now that I factor in potential traffic delays, I'm rarely late.
Helpful steps to avoid the blame game:
* Remember that anger triggers blame.
* Blame creates outward focus.
* Outward focus is the opposite of insight.
* Insight means wisdom.
* If blame is the opposite of wisdom, then blame is not wise. Consider yourself stupid each time you blame others. It's best that you keep your thoughts to yourself when you are angry so the stupid doesn't leak out. (For more information, See "Zip it" rule, Solution #4). 4. Zip it.
"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to." Author Unknown Never speak in anger. An angry tone of voice rarely leads to positive communication. Your anger causes others to respond with fight, flight or freeze. People become defensive, attack back, tune out, clam up, shut down or run. If the message you wish to convey when you are angry is truly brilliant, that message will remain brilliant when you no longer feel angry. Save your dignity by holding your tongue. 5. Remember to breathe.
Increasing the oxygen supply to your brain allows you to regain control of your emotions and make better choices. Breathing also helps you avoid blame and remember to "Zip It." Continued practice of mindful breathing also helps you honor your safe house contract. 6. Prevent blow ups.
Making sure that you are rested, pain free and have stable blood sugar will prevent the irritability caused by health problems. 7. Search for the lessons beneath your anger.
The presence of anger is a clue that you are not feeling peaceful. Something in your life is out of balance. Is there something deeper that you need to address? Poor coping skills? Is it time to take a nap or have a cookie? Example: "I felt angry when I came home to a messy apartment. Okay, honestly, the messy apartment was just the surface issue. I was really upset because I felt overwhelmed and frustrated about myself. The mess reminded me that I am not who I want to be. I throw tantrums. My life feels out of control. I feel like I'm a mess. My anger let me blame others and distracted me from making the changes I needed to make." Example: "Most of my anger stemmed from my narcissistic entitlement. I got angry when people didn't respond the way I thought they should. I now realize that people have the right to make their own choices. They also have the right to tell me "no." 8. Avoid alcohol and illegal drug use.
Do not ingest anything that might trigger an "out of control" response. You need healthy brain cells to manage your anger effectively. Example: A pattern of becoming angry, argumentative or irritable when you are buzzed, drunk, high or hung-over should be discussed with an addiction specialist. Consider attending one of the free 12-step Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Alanon, or Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA) meetings in your community to address a problem with your life or the life of a beloved becoming unmanageable because of drugs or alcohol. 9. Transform anger to insight.
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Buddha
Spend time observing your thoughts without reacting with strong emotions. Observe whether or not your thoughts and expectations are aligned with reality. You won't feel so angry, afraid or uptight when you use reality checks. 10. Laugh.
Have fun. A sense of humor is a great anger management tool. Create a list of fun events. Know what makes you laugh. Prioritize time for laughter and fun. Mark your calendar for events you enjoy each season of the year. Take these simple steps to see how much happier you become when you avoid letting your anger take over. ** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Telka Arend-Ritter M.S.W., A.C.S.W. A graduate of Michigan State University, has practiced individual and group therapy, and facilitated workshops, seminars, and classes for the past 25 years. She is the author and facilitator of Life Solutions Stress Management Series an 11 session, solution-focused, cognitive-behavioral group therapy program designed specifically for the treatment of anger, mood disorders, PTSD, poor self-confidence, passivity, relationship problems, divorce adjustment, parenting concerns, self-defeating behaviors, addictions, and stress. Telka's 11 session program incorporates the use of her self-help workbook, Change Your Thoughts, Heal Your Life. A native of Michigan, Telka married her college sweetheart, a psychologist and now also her business partner. They have one adult daughter who is also a Spartan.
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*** Book Review: Choose Yourself! - By James Altucher ***
------------------------------------------------------------ The world is changing. Markets have crashed. Jobs have disappeared. Industries have been disrupted and are being remade before our eyes. Everything we aspired to for "security," everything we thought was "safe," no longer is: College. Employment. Retirement. Government. It's all crumbling down. In every part of society, the middlemen are being pushed out of the picture. No longer is someone coming to hire you, to invest in your company, to sign you, to pick you. It's on you to make the most important decision in your life: Choose Yourself.
New tools and economic forces have emerged to make it possible for individuals to create art, make millions of dollars and change the world without "help." More and more opportunities are rising out of the ashes of the broken system to generate real inward success (personal happiness and health) and outward success (fulfilling work and wealth).
This book will teach you to do just that. With dozens of case studies, interviews and examples--including the author, investor and entrepreneur James Altucher's own heartbreaking and inspiring story--Choose Yourself illuminates your personal path to building a bright, new world out of the wreckage of the old.
*****
The list price of this book is $12.99. To purchase it from Amazon.com at a price of $11.14, a 14% discount, go here.
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*** Inspirational News Story of the Week ***
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* One Man's Unusual Plan to Raise Awareness for Strays *
A British animal activist is prepared to spend more than one month behind kennel bars in order to raise awareness about shelter dogs. Go here for the complete news story. | 
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