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* Self Improvement and Personal Growth Weekly Newsletter *
Issue #780, Week of August 19-20, 2013
Publisher: David Riklan - http://www.SelfGrowth.com
In this issue:
-- Quotes of the Week
-- Recommended Resource of the Week
-- Article: 3 Tips for Stopping Jealousy Before It Snowballs into Something Unstoppable - By Susie and Otto Collins
-- Article: 7 Strategies for Preventing Relationship Burnout - By Laura L. Richter
-- Book Review: Smart Relationships: How Successful Women Can Find True Love - By LeslieBeth Wish
-- Inspirational News Story of the Week
-- How to Subscribe and Unsubscribe from this Newsletter
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*** Quotes of the Week ***
------------------------------------------------------------ The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will. - Vince Lombardi, 1913-1970 There is no happiness except in the realization that we have accomplished something. - Henry Ford, 1863-1947 Dreams are the touchstones of our character. - Henry David Thoreau, 1817-1862
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*** Recommended Resource of the Week ***
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*** Article: 3 Tips for Stopping Jealousy Before It Snowballs into Something Unstoppable - By Susie and Otto Collins ***
------------------------------------------------------------ We've all seen cartoons in which a character shapes snow into a ball, perhaps to build a snowman. As the ball of snow is rolled, it grows bigger and bigger. Pretty soon that snowball is quite large and here comes a slope or hill... The next thing we see are the arms and legs of our beloved mouse, dog or other cartoon character sticking out from this gigantic snowball that is quickly rolling down the hill, continuing to grow and knock out anything in its way. Giant out-of-control snowballs are funny in cartoons, but there's nothing funny when jealousy snowballs in your relationship. If you've ever been jealous, you probably know what we're talking about. Let's say that you have a tendency to get jealous. You and your partner are out together at a bar, restaurant, party, with friends or some other place. Then, you see your partner look at or talk with another person who, to you, seems attractive and is maybe even being too friendly to your man or woman. Jealousy begins to form right then and there. With every worrisome or irritated thought about your partner, this other person and the whole situation, your "snowball" of jealousy grows and grows. What at first seemed to be manageable feelings are now starting to fill your entire mind. You can't seem to focus on anything else but what is possibly happening (or about to happen) between your mate and this other person. From there, the out-of-control jealousy might lead you to make a scene, confront your partner and the other person or simply storm out of the room. There's no doubt about it. Jealousy can severely damage your relationship and you.
But the good news is this: You can stop jealousy before it becomes that unmanageable and huge "snowball." Here's how... #1) Recognize jealous signs when they're little.
This makes so much sense, but so few people actually do it. When you make a commitment to stop jealousy, the first step is figure out what triggers you and what jealousy feels like in your body. Take some time and write down on a piece of paper the specific situations, words and any other things that trigger jealousy for you. For example: "When my boyfriend looks at the female bartender too long" or "When my girlfriend flirts and giggles with other men" may be on your list. Don't try to figure out why these things trigger you or who is to blame. Just focus in on what they are. Now, remember the last time you felt really jealous. Where in your body did you feel intense, hot, cold or stiff? If might have been nausea in the pit of your stomach or a clenching in your arms and hands. Knowing what often happens and when can help you sit up and take notice. You can recognize that jealousy is forming for you and then take steps to interrupt your usual pattern before it gets any more intense. #2) Learn to listen to you...not your fears and insecurities.
What frequently happens when jealousy has taken hold in a person's mind is that he or she is mostly hearing internal fears and worries about the relationship. These sometimes derive from a low self-esteem or feeling self-conscious in some way. One effective way to cut through the chatter of fear and insecurities is to take a deep breath and ask yourself this question: "Do I know this to be true?" If you tell yourself something like, "He thinks that she is prettier than I am." Interrogate that self-defeating statement with, "Do I know this to be true?" More often than not, you don't actually know if what you are claiming -- and basing your jealousy upon -- is accurate or not. This questioning can help you clear space in your mind. It can allow you to get at what you DO know with certainty. From there, you can take action based on knowing, not jealousy.
#3) Find out what to make a "big deal" about.
When you look back on times when your jealousy has snowballed into something huge and out-of-control, you might regret that you made such a "big deal about nothing." As you learn how to recognize the signs of jealousy when they are little and you start listening to you and not your fears and insecurities, THEN you will know when you really do need to make a big deal about something. There are times when it is valid and wise to set a boundary or make an agreement. The flirting that your partner is doing with others may not merely be a figment of your jealous mind. There may be inappropriate behaviors going on. When we recommend that you make a big deal about some things, we aren't suggesting that it's a good idea to yell around at your partner (or anyone else). We encourage you to make a big deal of whatever the issue is by making it a priority. Don't shove aside your desire that your partner make a clearer or stronger commitment to you and your relationship. Instead, sit down with him or her and talk about how you feel. Make requests for what you want. Be sure to also listen to where your mate is coming from. Of course, none of this needs to be motivated by jealousy. You can have the close, connected and harmonious relationship that you want. Stop letting your jealousy get in the way.
** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the passionate relationships they desire. They have written these e-books and programs: Magic Relationship Words, Relationship Trust Turnaround, No More Jealousy and Stop Talking on Eggshells among many others. For more techniques to overcome jealousy, sign up for Susie and Otto Collins' FREE mini-course "No More Jealousy."
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*** Article: 7 Strategies for Preventing Relationship Burnout - By Laura L. Richter ***
------------------------------------------------------------ It's not unusual. The glow of a new relationship begins to dim as time goes by. As excitement and novelty turn to contentment and familiarity, the relationship begins to shift and become more predictable. Excitement wanes and you may begin to wonder how to get it back. This is normal. But whether you have been married for 20 years or dating for 2 months, it's the responsibility of both partners to keep the fire beneath the glow burning. Most happy couples will tell you that maintaining that glow is grounded in taking care of each other and taking care of the relationship. It's important to maintain physical and emotional connection. Here are a few strategies to consider. 1. Keep in touch.
I mean that literally! Take time to cuddle, kiss and hold each other. Studies show that couples who share in physical intimacy are happier in their relationships. Touch doesn't have to end in sex, (but it can be fun when it does). The important thing is that physical contact keeps you intimately connected. A touch can melt away anger and fear and speak volumes about how much you care. 2. Be happy to see each other at the end of the day.
Remember when you first met, how exciting it was to see each other? Greeting each other with that same kind of interest at the end of a busy day will set the tone for more pleasant and enjoyable evenings. How your partner sees you behaving -- body language, tone of voice, facial expressions -- tells him or her how to respond to you. Step outside of yourself for a moment and be aware of how your partner is seeing you. Are you walking in happy, sad, stressed, or angry? Place troubles and worries on the back burner for just a brief time. Take a few moments to reconnect with each other before you start delving into issues about the kids, the bills, the in-laws, and whatever other challenges you're having. The issues will still be there when you are ready to address them. Keep it light and loving. 3. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need.
A good marriage or relationship is based on how well partners are able to negotiate and navigate through challenges and disagreements. It's unrealistic to think that you will never be disappointed or hurt. If your partner doesn't know what's troubling you, it might be difficult to help you feel better. Sometimes couples are fearful of saying what's on their mind and in their hearts because they're afraid of disappointment and rejection. The challenge is to share your thoughts in a way that demonstrates compassion and empathy, rather than criticism and judgment. When you are both able to create a safe, respectful environment in which to talk, you open space for intimacy and trustworthiness. 4. Be aware you may be sending mixed messages.
Yes, it's true. Research shows that the more couples know about each other, the closer they feel and that's good for the relationship. But sometimes couples unconsciously send mixed messages to each other, especially when emotions are intense. If you don't ask for (or even know) what it is that you need, how will your partner know? For example, it's difficult to know that "I'm angry, go away," really means, "I'm hurt and afraid, please hold me and love me." But sometimes that's exactly what it means. So, help your partner help you. If you are angry or sad, invite them in to be part of the solution, invite them in, rather than pushing them away by criticizing or judging them. Be positive, talk about times when you felt connected and intimate and what made you feel close and safe. 5. Pay each other compliments, show your appreciation and express gratitude.
Who doesn't love a compliment? The next time you have the urge to "nag" your partner for something that really bugs you, try something different. Focus on the times when you really appreciate their behaviors. In other words, turn a negative into a positive. If it really rattles you that your husband is constantly checking his Blackberry, point out the times when he's not and let him know how much you appreciate it and how much closer you feel to him then.
Paying compliments and showing appreciation for each other is extremely effective in creating connection. The best part about compliments, appreciation and gratitude is that the benefits go to both partners. The giver is encouraged to focus on what's going well in the relationship -- that makes for more positivity; and the receiver is invited to do more of what they're being complimented about. It's a win -- win! 6. Focus on giving rather than receiving.
By letting go of the idea of "what's in it for me?" and adopting the idea of "what can I do for you?" generosity and concern cultivate connection and intimacy. Think of it this way. If you can make your partner happy, you have a much better chance of having them return the favor. A client of mine once said, "A happy wife is a happy life." When you think about it, this is very true for both of you. If you focus on giving rather than receiving, the rewards will come naturally and effortlessly. 7. Create time for peacefulness and stillness.
Life is stressful and the day-to-day challenges of money, career, children, and family can be extremely demanding. It is really important to have time each day to "just be present," to let go of the demands of life and to let go of anger, stress, and frustration for just a little while. Sit together as a couple in the stillness. Take a walk; watch a sunset, cuddle on the couch. Take time each day to physically and emotionally reconnect. Spending 20 to 30 minutes a day touching; talking, or just being alone together can make a world of difference in your relationship. A relationship, like anything else require patience, encouragement, compassion and self-awareness. If you're finding it difficult to accept your partner's flaws and imperfections, it may be time to get some help so that you can gain some new perspective. In the meantime, try a few of these exercises on for size. You may find yourself glowing again sooner than you think! ** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Laura Richter is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For almost a decade, she has been helping couples and families find the love, purpose and respect they so richly desire, deserve and need.
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*** Book Review: Smart Relationships: How Successful Women Can Find True Love - By LeslieBeth Wish ***
------------------------------------------------------------ Are you a woman who has made great advances in your career but not in your romantic relationships? Do you flip between the same types of men, never finding lasting love? Do you worry you can't trust your judgment in men, fear you won't recover from breakups or feel that you're "done" with men? As a professional woman, it can be confusing and frustrating to be smart about success but not about love.
Smart Relationships gives women who have broken through the glass ceiling but not the love ceiling pragmatic tools and proven strategies to find satisfaction in romance. Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, a psychologist and licensed social worker with over thirty-five years of experience, teaches women the structure of intimate relationships and how to break free of their past negative cycles. She reveals her proactive Brave and Best Self approach that gives women the tools to examine their own behavior, identify how it affects their relationships and make the changes necessary to create a happy, fulfilling and lasting relationship.
*****
The list price of this book is $14.95. To purchase it from Amazon.com at a price of $11.36, a 24% discount, go here.
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*** Inspirational News Story of the Week ***
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* Endearing Pooch Lentil Helps Kids with Facial Differences *
Lentil, a French Bulldog puppy, has made quite a name for himself in Philadelphia by helping raise awareness of children with craniofacial abnormalities affecting the head and face, such as cleft palate or cleft lip. Go here for the complete news story. | 
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